I'd been putting off calling EA back and being put on hold for 40 minutes at a time and just decided to check in on my case file online (I'd been told several times not to touch anything with the case number online, since that would send my request to the back of the queue—how user-friendly!). Next to the number, it said "Updated 4/27/2012." Uh, what?? So I opened up the evil Origin launcher, clicked on Double Deluxe, and it started installing. THANKS FOR TELLING ME, EA.

It looks like I'm back in business at last! I don't understand how it happened or why no one told me when they fixed it, but hey, I'll take it. Now I just have to figure out how to get Gadwin to work with the game on this new computer, make sure all my files are in order, and patch patch patch!